Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm sorry, I don't buy the anti-Semitism excuse; KKK never said, "lets blow us up some Jews because they don't treat their women right"

When I first came to this American city, a pregnant agunah, I had been told by some people that abusive Orthodox Jewish husbands simply do not exist in this city. I never quite believed it. However, I had been SERIOUSLY invalidated here by a couple of people in power, both Orthodox and non-Orthodox, when I first returned to America after fleeing my husband pregnant. I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut.

Non-Jewish support was limited, and did not understand the cultural and legal needs of the agunah. Actually my case is an Israeli case; there it is the law of the land, so I could not just "switch churches" as one well-intentioned but misguided person once told me. In Israel, you cannot get a civil divorce, period. And few people in town want to hear anything negative about Israel either. I'm not sure why this is so; Israel has good and bad points like every other nation. It’s not a utopia.

When I came back some years ago the local YWCA helped a little bit; I went to a couple of support groups, but we were not allowed to talk outside of the group, because some of the women were still in the abusive relationships and it could get dangerous. There was some bias against certain disabilities, one of which I have. That made it difficult; however, the Y helped in that it showed that yes, he was physically abusive, it wasn't just an alcohol problem, and so the Y was enormously helpful in that way.

When I tried to talk to local rabbis years ago, (now all of those rabbis are now gone save one), it was really a bad situation. I was stigmatized by one; shrugged off by another; and the third, tried to help but his help ended up doing more harm than good. I had to go out of town to meet people who would help me be able even to file for divorce in Israel, because Israel is not known for even allowing battered women to do that much.

Now only a couple of the local rabbis are aware of my prior agunah status but I never rely on them for help in my case, because they are powerless to help with the Israeli custody courts. The groups and individuals that helped me get the divorce were all in either NYC or Israel. Honestly I don't trust rabbis very much in general in this regard. My case involved much Israeli rabbinical legal abuse. Remember, in Israel, all family courts dealing with divorce and marriage are run strictly by clergy.

I have read concerns that bringing attention to an agunah’s plight can fuel anti-Semitism should it become aware of this chillul Hashem in our midst. I feel that the ant-Semitism issue generally speaking is something certain people in power like to use as an excuse for not confronting a range of social issues in the Jewish world. This occurs in many Jewish communities, and I'm sorry, I don't buy it; KKK never said, "lets blow us up some Jews because they don't treat their women right". I understand the very real fear of anti-Semitism as it is alive and well; but I also understand how that fear can be manipulated. I think a more important issue would be the privacy of any individual agunah.

My own personal situation is difficult to understand because it is an Israeli situation. In order to understand it, one has to shed themselves of all their preconceived ideas about Israel and the Middle East, which is difficult for many people.

No one believed me about the abuse until I became an agunah. Once that happened, first thing out of activists mouth would be, did he hit you? Because only abusive men chain their wives as agunot that way. And I still have a lot of issues because of all of that.

It took almost 7 years to secure the Israeli divorce, which included arresting my ex in Israel for withholding the ghet. Then the Israeli courts took some years debating whether they would consider the ghet valid or not.

Now, I don't have anyone representing me or my daughter, we are Israeli citizens but the custody part never got dealt with in Israel. Although here in USA, where we are also citizens, I have sole legal custody. And my ex is still in Israel. However going through the process is very difficult and brings up horrible memories. Honestly if I had not had to go through the agunah experience, I may have healed much more easily from his abuse of me when we were together.

My final thoughts: I was constantly reminded of my own nightmarish experience with the abuse while living with my husband by going through this agunah process. Certainly one day, women like me should be able to sue the rabbinical courts for mental anguish.

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